Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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