They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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