The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
