Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
