she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
