I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
