cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
