I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
