Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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