If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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