he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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