Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
We need to get me chipped asap
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
