1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
