I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
