You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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