the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
We left the knife in your bed.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
