my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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