my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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