News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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