Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
