I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
