i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Well I just put wine in my tea
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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