I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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