people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Randomize
