I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
