You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
