Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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