i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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