The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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