dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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