Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
