Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
