not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
