he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
