so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
