Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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