I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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