My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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