bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
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