i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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