so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
