There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
