you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
