I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
