I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
