my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Help me help you realize you are a moron
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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