that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
love makes seman taste better
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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