look no pants
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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