shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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