I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
