I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
3 2 1 whiskey
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
